I was talking to my favorite pastor, Pastor Lynn the other day and told her how I understand now that to be completely free in the Christian walk is to be completely transparent. I love my children with all my heart but my latest struggle has come from single parenting. My children were both conceived at times in my life when I was attempting to fill voids. I did not like to be alone and to fill those voids, I became promiscuous. I will not go into too much detail here because I am working on a book at the moment which will be coming soon. I currently co-parent with my daughter’s dad and it has been one heck of a rollercoaster. I am a true lover and follower of Jesus Christ and I instill Christian values into my daughter while Kaydence’s father is a Jehovah’s Witness who is instilling those values in her. I cannot imagine how confusing that is for my daughter and it breaks my heart knowing that she is in a situation like this. There is most certainly a price we pay for having children out of wedlock and being unequally yoked. I just hate that in this circumstance I feel that my daughter pays for my mistakes which I’m working on viewing from a different aspect. Co-parenting is extremely difficult when your child has to miss milestone moments because a guideline was created by people who have not had to follow its rules and regulations, and believe it was best. Although I am the custodial parent my daughter only gets to celebrate holidays with me in even year numbers and does holidays (which her father doesn’t believe in) in odd years. She does not get to celebrate her sibling or cousin’s birthday or Christmas with me every year. It is so heartbreaking to have scheduled play days and events that don’t coincide with the time frame that my daughter has with me but I can’t not go because my son would enjoy it. The heartbreak comes when plans and events get talked about around my daughter and instead of it being a casual conversation it turns into a moment where it seems like someone dropped the mic while in the middle of the stage during a performance because her eyes well with tears because it was yet another event she had to miss out on. How do you explain to a child that she only has the 3rd weekend of the month with you but the other weekends with her father because we weren’t at a place where we could just be civil and figure things out on our own without ulterior motives coming into place so we had to involve a court that doesn’t know that she doesn’t like cheese but loves nachos, that she loves to make silly faces and is charismatic, or that she likes to roll around like a gymnast because she laid in the womb in that stance or that she likes to be wrapped like a taco after baths lol…that a court that doesn’t know her at all but knew that her parents (though not without effort) could not cordially co-parent and believe that she was no different from any of the other many children whose lives tend to balance on “guidelines”. They don’t consider the fact that your child comes home with bruises and cuts that there are no answers for or that she comes home and requires multiple treatments because she was around things that she shouldn’t have been around,,, but, I digress on her for now because things are being worked out that in order to work require silence. My son, Josiah as I affectionately call my little chunky delight was also conceived during a time when I felt I just needed somebody and that somebody happened to be someone I didn’t know too well which left me in the position to be a single parent to two children. I contemplated abortion but ultimately decided that if he is here God has a plan for him. Not knowing that person and his family history has made things difficult as well. Josiah can be silly, cuddly, loving, and funny but when he doesn’t get his way he lashes out like no 2-year-old (now 3) should be able to. I know what some of you are thinking “Well, whoop his butt” and trust me I have on numerous occasions and still do but it sends him into more of a rage. No child his age should have so much rage. He’ll throw himself, he’ll kick, he’ll scratch, he’ll hit his head on the floor, wall, or whatever else is near him. I’m in the process of having him tested to see if there are deeper issues at play or if it’s just a stage he’s going through. All of the places I’ve called tell me that they don’t deal with his age. When I finally found a possible resource that works with children up until the age of 3 I received an intake call…on his 3rd birthday. I have never felt closer to a breaking point than I do now. It’s a helpless feeling when you know that there are things your children are dealing with and you can’t help as much as you’d like to. When you’re a mother you feel like you have to make sure that your children are happy, content, and want for nothing. I went through my moments of being upset with God but that was from a place where I lacked accountability. I made the decisions that led me to this position. I’m not sure if anybody else has ever had that moment where you’re dealing with something and you’re questioning where God is, but I have to tell you that He is where He was when you made the decision that led to the consequences you have to face. Right there with you! Proverbs 3:11-12 NLT states “For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.” I love it even better in the God’s Word translation which reads “Endure your discipline. God corrects you as a father corrects his children. All children are disciplined by their fathers.” ENDURE YOUR DISCIPLINE…while your decision was out of alignment with what God wanted for you He is still in the midst of it. I’m learning that the consequences of actions outside of the will of God require you to lean on Him more. It teaches you to trust God even more. I can’t handle either of the situations concerning my children on my own. It’s mentally exhausting as well as physically. Some days I can barely sleep because of what I expect the next day to bring and sometimes I sleep as much as possible to avoid reality. People assume that because you are in ministry you don’t go through anything and if you do you shouldn’t be so “public” with it but how would the woman with the issue of blood have been healed if she hadn’t publicly exposed her problem and proclaimed the faith she had in Jesus for being healed? Today I publically expose that I have the issue of blood in my life but I proclaim in faith that God is working as I type and my children are covered under the blood of Jesus and not the issues of my blood. I started this blog to encourage, but I found that it encourages me to get these things out so that someone else who may be having the same problems as me knows that they are not alone. Because I know that feeling way too well. Until we meet again…stay encouraged and keep the faith as will I.
I thank you for taking out time to read my post. If you ever just want to vent, prayer, or even check in…I’m here. You can message me or comment. If you’ve gone through something similar and found a solution feel free to message me and if you’re in the middle of some of the issues as I am I am praying for you.