What happens when the little girl inside you is still there because at one point you found consolation in that girl that laughed her troubles away? The little girl that could turn to video games and music to avoid time-consuming, unavoidable troubles of tomorrow. We are all well acquainted with the reflective question “what would you tell your younger self?” but what if by the slightest chance you’re still lugging your little person around? A part of me never wanted to grow up I always wanted to feel that there was someone or someplace I could run to to avoid responsibility and accountability. Sadly, it worked for a while until the people and places I ran to were revealed to have been hindrances rather than havens.
I was well-acquainted with not accepting accountability for situations I’d put myself in, it was always an action I made in response to the lack of the presence of people in my life. Lately, I’ve been put in positions where I have to confront the child in me and realize that there are no excuses for allowing a past trauma or hurt to excuse me from growth . Maybe there is someone who’s reading and has often been content with the child-like behavior and responses to situations in your life. Can I ask you what kept you hanging on to the little boy or little girl inside you? How long are you going to let that little boy or little girl keep taking the hits for you?
The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:11 AMP that “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” I’m learning with my children that a lot of things we see advertised for children are not always good for children. Kids YouTube is one of those things. It is highly stimulating for children. It misconstrues their reality. It gives them the false conception that everything is supposed to move so quickly and at a certain rate and I am most guilty of taking child-like expectations into adulthood, I thought for so long that certain ages were deadlines.
By 25 I was supposed to be a homeowner and college graduate, by the time I was 30 I would be married with children and a satisfied career-woman. This is not to say that those things couldn’t be done I just couldn’t leave my childish ways behind so I got caught up in entanglements, I wanted to be where the fun was so adult priorities lagged behind. The little girl in me blamed God for the lack of those things but I now know that the little girl would nave mishandled those things if she had gotten her hands on them. If I’m being completely honest the little girl still mishandles some things. Are there some things you wait in expectation of? If God gave them to you right now would you be able to effectively manage those things?
One thing God has shown me throughout my walk with Him is that symbolism is so important. In Hebrews 11:1 we come face to face with the scripture that “Now faith is the assurance (title deed, confirmation) of things hoped for (divinely guaranteed), and the evidence of things not seen [the conviction of their reality—faith comprehends as fact what cannot be experienced by the physical senses].” If there’s something we are believing God for we act as though we already have that thing whatever it may be. If I’m believing God for a new house I have to treat the one I have like it’s brand new. If I’m believing God for a new job I’m going to go into the one I have treating it like it’s my last day and make sure that my performance is up to par. Right now I’m believing that God is maturing me into a great(er) mother with patience (whew), He’s developing me as a minister, He’s preparing me to be a wife, a first-time home owner, and so much more but before I get there, there are some things I need to release or in this case someone I need to release. The little girl that I’ve held on to for dear life.
I envision myself walking into the quiet dark room I’ve kept her in. I take this moment to get eye level with my little girl whose knees are pulled in to her chest in the fetal position. “Hi honey, it’s ok. I know you’ve been in a lot of pain and turmoil. I know you’re in this position because of a lot of blows you’ve taken to your heart, your mind, and self-worth but can I tell you that you are worthy, you matter, and it was not your fault. There is no one else you could have been or nothing you could have done that would have altered the things you’ve been through. I’m sorry you had to undergo those things. I’m sorry you won’t get the apologies you expected but above all those apologies I apologize for keeping you here longer than you should have been. I am so sorry that I hid behind you when I should have been taking hits where I had been and I am even more sorry that these apologies don’t seem like much right now. You have always had a loving Father and you were introduced to Him at an early age but under false pretenses but don’t you worry about that because I have it covered now. I’ve gotten so close to Him. He’s actually the reason I came to see you. He’s been telling me it’s time for me to let you rest. Can I give you a hug?” She gets up and walks over to me. We hug. I pick her up and carry her over to the bed. I’m rubbing her back and whispering words of confirmation to her. “He’s always watched over you. you have always been cherished beyond what you could understand, you have always belonged.” I lay her down and tuck her in “You get some rest. I have the next shift.”
As I write this tears are streaming down my face because I’ve carried that little girl for so long. That little girl had me oblivious to the things that were literally going on around me. That little girl stayed in defense mode at all times but now she gets relieved of her overworked duty. I get to experience life in the offensive mode. I don’t know who you are and I don’t know where you are but I do know what it’s like to encounter traumatic experiences, I know what it’s like to experience sexual abuse, I know what it’s like to run away from everything, I even know what it’s like to just want to end it all and even more than all of that I know what it’s like on the other side of that trauma…healing. I encourage you to lay to rest the little girl or little boy you’ve been holding on to. I encourage you to grab the loving hand of your heavenly Father and allow Him to comfort you. I encourage you to take your trauma to Him. Drop it off at His throne. Can I also tell you something else? He did not allow the bad things that happened to you to happen. He gave everyone free will what they chose to do with it was not on Him. Understanding that alone gave me so much closure and I hope it does the same for you.
I pray you stay the course on your healing journey. It won’t be easy but it will be worthwhile. I pray you rise to the occasion that God has called you to now. As I always say please feel free to comment, message, you can even add me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/chantelle.white.3956